Women are having too much non-sex. That’s the kind of sex that you think is sex but really isn’t sex. You are subjecting yourself to non-sex because nobody ever told you the definition of having sex to begin with.

So…Here it is: The true definition of sex is ANY activity you engage in that you’ve intended for YOUR sexual arousal. Hmmm…So let’s take a little quiz, shall we?

If I agree to perform oral sex for my partner even though I’m not in an erotic mood and am not sexually aroused, am I having sex? Answer: No.
If I am participating in sexual intercourse but am not sexually aroused and am not invested in achieving my own arousal, am I having sex? Answer: No.
If I am encouraged/forced to perform acts that I do not find sexually arousing even while my partner is having sexual pleasure, am I having sex? Answer: No.
If my partner and I are kissing and touching each other with our clothes on and I am sexually aroused, am I having sex? Answer: Yes
If I decide to masturbate because I am feeling like having my own private sexual pleasure, am I having sex? Answer: Yes

Are you getting the picture?

It is high-time that we change the way we understand intimacy and it starts with teaching young people to understand the point of sex: To have sexual pleasure for your partner AND for yourself!

I hear all the time about teen and pre-teen girls engaging in sexual behavior without any clue that their own arousal is part of the process. I firmly believe if they got the message that sex is about having control of your body and that it should ALWAYS be pleasurable, they would think more before having it. And if young boys understood this, they would be aware of how their partners are feeling and think twice before making it all about themselves.

I know it is scary for parents to hear what I’m saying. Everyone’s thinking: How can I talk to my 11 year-old about sex? And if I do talk about sex and orgasms, won’t that mean she’ll be more likely to experiment with something she shouldn’t be doing at such a young age?  I know I’d much rather my daughter learn about sex from me than from the 7-minutes in Heaven in the closet she has at a middle-school party.

The truth is you are doing more harm than good by not teaching your children about orgasms and sexual pleasure. And you already know that the time will come when they will have sex whether you talk to them or not. So why not stack the deck in their favor?

Maybe then there’s a chance sex will be better for them than it was for you.